Time heals?

I visited my parents last week after 5 weeks. This was also the third visit to my parents since the big reveal. The visit was a very interesting one and I must say, expectedly, much better.

I arranged to accompany my mother to a routine hospital appointment in the hope that we’ll get some time alone (without my dad around) and perhaps rebuild some of our relationship. My mum too was eager to see me, like me she missed me, and she had hoped she can talk me back to the “right path”. She told me so on the phone. When I got there my mum greeted me normally, and my dad seemed to be pretty routine too. I was a bit startled by that. I was expecting sorrowful faces and requests for change. Instead, my mum offered me to eat and spoke about the weather, her health, etc. This was oddly nice and felt happy about it. Then my mother made some comments about whether I had given more thought to her requests to change and think about God. I nodded and told her that I do take note of her requests, but that change was up to me. She mumbled her disapproval and then went away. I giggled at this. Had it already healed? Has my mum come to accept it to some extent? She didn’t cry. She wasn’t shouting. She wasn’t even angry. She was sad, but sad and in denial. She was hopeful that maybe shaitaan will release me some day.

As the day went by, we had not discussed my apostasy much in a dramatic way. Rather, it was mentioned in passing and with a few sighs and disappointed looks. In fact, my mother confided in me about troubles with my other siblings. It made me realise that, while she is upset with me, she is also upset with the others. It also seemed like my issue was not her biggest worry – or at least the most impacting at present. She worried about my “afterlife” more than my actual life! While my mum was happy with me for a bit, I took the liberty to remind her that I had a lovely partner in my life and that they mustn’t forget that. That we are a package now and that they will have to come to accept him and my choices. I showed my mum my partner’s photo and she smiled. She said he was handsome, but obviously needed a god too (apparently)! This was progress.

My mum reminded me something that day. She told me she hasn’t and won’t disown me. But that, she can only accept me if we abide by her rules. She kept on muttering that. But her actions showed something else. She was, somewhat, accepting me without me abiding by her rules. It is a tough decision for her to make as it goes against her way of life – but love is stronger. I hope it remains this way.

I came home smiling that day. This was the first time in 2 months that we sat together and talked and ate food. We did not cry or argue. We disagreed but it was civil. I know there is more to battle ahead, but this gave me some hope. Perhaps time and space does heal wounds – or at least become less pronounced. In any case, I wanted to share a good experience in my life.

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2 thoughts on “Time heals?

  1. madhat2014 says:

    I’m so glad to hear your story. A mother’s love for her children is a very strong bond.
    Remember that her fear for you and your afterlife will be strong and try to be patient when it arises.
    Accepting that your loved one is doing something which you fear might harm them, is very difficult.
    My atheist husband felt that fear when I became a Christian…
    Much love to you all on your journey xx

    Like

  2. abelabelson says:

    I don’t want to spoil the party, but I’ve had (and still have) my part of shit with my parents and in my opinion this phase is rather worse than better than the previous ones. Actually, on their part it’s a mixture of “let’s act as if nothing happened” (which at the same time means: let’s act as if this ‘new’ person doesn’t exist and the old one we loved – because he/she conformed to our ideas and plans – returns); a kind of “go f*ck yourself with your new ideas” and “we’re right and you’re wrong anyway” attitude; a sliding down towards the ‘silent treatment’ (ignoring anything that doesn’t conform), etc.
    I, for one, with my parents, preferred the phases before, when there was still *some* communication, albeit conflictive. This new phase you’re in is probably the beginning of a long and shitty acting as if the gangrenous elephant in the room doesn’t exist, and of ignoring who you really are.
    Parents like these seem to actually think these profound changes in one are just whimsical things that’ll blow over if they just ignore them long enough. I find that more painful than an honest confrontation of emotions and ideas.
    Luckily the world is bigger than parents alone. Much bigger. Concerning mine, they can just keep wallowing in their sickly ideas of “love” and of who I am and should be until doomsday, I have other things to do than to take my part in their toxic little play. I told them: “we see each other in the presence of a family therapist, or we don’t see each other”. They chose the latter, predictably. It’s painful as experience, as their son, but at least it leaves me an authentic and truthful space to live in. If they like the hell they live in so much, well they can have it. No need for me to join the party.
    (Just sharing my experience which seems to me to have some common ground with yours.
    Thank you for sharing yours. Great read.)

    Like

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