Imaging Normalcy

It has been a while since I’ve blogged. I have spent the last couple of weeks trying to keep it together and get on with my life as normally as possible.

I never thought I’d say this, but at present I feel like I go to work to feel normal and useful. I feel like I have some purpose and I am able to immerse myself into something constructive and which I can control to provide me with suitable returns. Normally my work is fairly stressful, so the unfolding experience is interesting.

I spend my days waiting. I worry about my Mum. I hear her cries and I feel tearful. I want to reach out and grab the mobile to call her. But I don’t. At least not always. You see, I feel like I am going through a horrible break up. I want to be connected, I need the connection to feel secure. Yet, I am having to keep apart and give myself (and my mother) the space to evaluate this situation.

I miss my siblings who have disowned me. I feel sad that it has come to this end. I look over their photos, scrutinising their faces and finding our similarities. I want to see them and love them. And be loved in return. But I am also angry. I feel hurt at their betrayal. How could they accuse me of horrible things and let go of me because I no longer believe in their god? How disgraceful of them. Yet, I also look up to them. So much confusion and contradiction. I suppose being the youngest sibling has its drawbacks.

I miss my family. I fear that it will never be the same. I don’t know how long it’ll be this way, but patience is the key now. I have to keep it together and keep myself busy and going forward. I have everything and yet, without them, I am at loss.This conditioned existence is hard to overcome.

I feel angry with their imaginary god. Mum tries to preach to me about hellfire, but all she fuels is my desire to respond with mockery. I don;t believe in it. And if anything, I feel so sad that my mother is traumatised about hellfire. She truly believes her little baby will burn forever. How awful and how painful for her. I wish I could help her, but I don’t know how.

I guess the silver lining is that I no longer have to lie. I am truthful in my entirety. It came at a high cost. But, thinking back, I wouldn’t change it for the world. This is me, it’s nothing terrible nor radical. I hope I can convince them of that one day. Or, stop trying.

Happy Wednesday.

 

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3 thoughts on “Imaging Normalcy

  1. Charlotte says:

    Having an atheist in the family will help those who are questioning their religion too. So hang in there, there are probably more questioners/atheists/agnostics in your family than you are aware of.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. alanflynn says:

    The cataclysm has passed now and, to coin a phrase, it will take a long time for the dust to settle. With your brave declaration of irtidad, you have undone an error made many centuries ago when your ancestors first affirmed the shahada. Karl Marx did not have apostasy in mind when he wrote: ‘the tradition of all the dead generations weighs like a nightmare on the brain of the living’, nonetheless those words aptly encapsulate the trauma you underwent once your critical deliberation led you to realise the falsehood of Islam. If the transmission of a belief system can be likened to a row of falling dominoes across the generations, then you are the domino that stood her ground. Your seed will now grow up with their minds free of religious brainwashing and the wherewithal to understand and to enjoy life with the full, unfettered capacity of their minds and bodies. I know that you will do all you can to restrict, as far as is possible, the rupture between you and your parents to its epistemological basis, and to prevent it from spoiling the natural, loving relationship that you have with them. Remind your mother always of the verse in the Qur’an which says, ‘Unto you your religion, and unto me my religion’ (109: 6). There is no easy answer to assuage her belief that you will undergo horrific torture once you die; she will pray to Allah for your soul and you can only assure her of her right to do so whilst affirming that you no longer subscribe to her beliefs.

    Liked by 1 person

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