It has been a while since I’ve blogged. I have spent the last couple of weeks trying to keep it together and get on with my life as normally as possible.
I never thought I’d say this, but at present I feel like I go to work to feel normal and useful. I feel like I have some purpose and I am able to immerse myself into something constructive and which I can control to provide me with suitable returns. Normally my work is fairly stressful, so the unfolding experience is interesting.
I spend my days waiting. I worry about my Mum. I hear her cries and I feel tearful. I want to reach out and grab the mobile to call her. But I don’t. At least not always. You see, I feel like I am going through a horrible break up. I want to be connected, I need the connection to feel secure. Yet, I am having to keep apart and give myself (and my mother) the space to evaluate this situation.
I miss my siblings who have disowned me. I feel sad that it has come to this end. I look over their photos, scrutinising their faces and finding our similarities. I want to see them and love them. And be loved in return. But I am also angry. I feel hurt at their betrayal. How could they accuse me of horrible things and let go of me because I no longer believe in their god? How disgraceful of them. Yet, I also look up to them. So much confusion and contradiction. I suppose being the youngest sibling has its drawbacks.
I miss my family. I fear that it will never be the same. I don’t know how long it’ll be this way, but patience is the key now. I have to keep it together and keep myself busy and going forward. I have everything and yet, without them, I am at loss.This conditioned existence is hard to overcome.
I feel angry with their imaginary god. Mum tries to preach to me about hellfire, but all she fuels is my desire to respond with mockery. I don;t believe in it. And if anything, I feel so sad that my mother is traumatised about hellfire. She truly believes her little baby will burn forever. How awful and how painful for her. I wish I could help her, but I don’t know how.
I guess the silver lining is that I no longer have to lie. I am truthful in my entirety. It came at a high cost. But, thinking back, I wouldn’t change it for the world. This is me, it’s nothing terrible nor radical. I hope I can convince them of that one day. Or, stop trying.