Since the day I decided that I am definitely going to come out to my parents, I have been anxiously waiting for the day I will actually tell them; face to face. Twenty days to go.
The last few weeks have been very emotional and it feels like I am on a long, struggling, journey. Today I wrote the letter to my parents revealing my true self. The feelings of grief and anxiety are crippling and I am afraid. I am afraid of the loss that may come following the big reveal. I am burdened with my own difference. It sometimes makes me despise myself. But then I think, I only dared to live my life according to my choices – is that really so bad? I am the same person, just without the religious boundaries obstructing my path to freedom. This freedom – which comes at a very, very high cost. It is also lonely and scary. Which sometimes makes me wonder if I am making the right decision? But then, I close my eyes and imagine what it would be like to live my life according to the choice of my parents – I feel suffocated. And, it is exactly this, that reminds me that I cannot live like them. It is just not me. And, what is exactly so terrible to be me?
I sometimes wish my parents were really really horrible and abusive. It would have been easier to let go. But they aren’t, and on the most part, they are loving and caring parents – in their own way. I know they want to see me happy and live a fulfilling life. The way I see it, I am following their wishes – to some extent.
It just makes me feel angry. Why me? Why do I have to struggle for the basics in life? To love the one I choose. To live the way I choose. To think the way I choose to. To dress the way I choose. Such simple and basic aspects of life because such a monumental struggle.
Change is difficult. Change is painful. Change is worthwhile. Change is lasting. Change is fulfilling. Change is slow.
Change requires patience, perseverance and resilience.